Friday, October 03, 2008

#843 Masturbation, Practice Makes Perfect, Sham Marriage, Marmalade

Show 843 Thursday 2 October
Watch today’s show at YouTube or BlipTV.

Hi, I’m Sarah, welcome to The Daily English Show.

Recently I’ve been enjoying watching an American TV series called Weeds. The series started in August 2005 and so far there have been four seasons. And apparently, there’s going to be two more.

The series is made by Showtime, and you can see some clips from the show on their YouTube channel.

So the video we’re going to study today is a clip from Weeds.
It’s a scene where a guy called Andy is talking to his nephew Shane about masturbation.
Shane’s father is dead, so his mother Nancy has asked Andy to do this.

It’s quite a funny scene and the language is interesting. He talks about masturbation for over two minutes … but he only uses the word masturbation once. Instead he uses slang terms:

jerk the gherkin
tug the tiger

tug your Thomas

polish the raised sceptre of love

There are countless terms for male masturbation – if you look on the internet there are massive lists of terms … and then underneath them there are comments like: what about this one? What about this one?

I think the most common terms used in New Zealand would be wank and toss.

Toss also has other meanings, like “throw away” and Andy recommends using a hand towel: that you don't mind tossing after tossing. Which means a towel that you don’t mind throwing away after masturbating.

Andy uses a couple of idioms.

Firstly: beat around the bush.

Which means: (to) talk about sth for a long time without coming to the main point.

He says: Alright, listen closely. I'm not going to beat around the bush.

So he means, he’s going to get straight to the point.
And then he laughs manically … because beat and bush have other meanings … and you can look them up on Urban Dictionary if you’re not sure what they mean.

And finally he says: practice makes perfect, which is a common idiom that applies to many things like tugging the tiger as Uncle Andy says, and studying English.

The Acadia Report

Today I’m going to show you another one of the residence halls we visited when we were at Acadia. It’s called Chase Court.

A guy called John showed us around. He was the Senior Resident Assistant.
I asked him a few questions like:

Why would you recommend Chase Court?

Well the best thing about Chase Court is that we have all single rooms, so you don’t have to worry about a fussy roommate or a messy roommate, because the room is your own, and you don’t get that in all the residences across campus.

Why did you decide to be an RA?

I thought that it would be a good thing to do and a good way to meet the people in my section in my building and I like to help people, so I thought that, if I’m an RA, I’d be able to answer people’s questions and help them with their concerns. And that’s what I’ve been doing for two years now.

Is it a hard job?

Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t. Um, if the residents are having a … if they’re being loud or if an emergency happens, then it becomes stressful. But for the most part it’s very rewarding and, and worth it.

What kind of things do you do as an RA?

Um, one of the biggest things we do is plan programming. So, ah, section events, and house events, we’ll plan. Maybe we’ll have a games night or we might go bowling in New Minas. We do a lot of things like that. And then, on the more work side of things, we have to do rounds of the building, um, every night. And we have to take care of some paperwork and things like that. But there’s quite a lot of fun and there’s some paperwork and some work.


Kia Ora in Stick News today, a bride in London was arrested and handcuffed in her wedding dress.

Earlier this month a Portuguese woman married a Nigerian man in South London. The BBC reported that suspicions were aroused when the pair did not leave the church together. The woman was then arrested minutes after the wedding, when she was still in her wedding dress. It was allegedly a sham marriage to get around immigration rules. The bride has been bailed to appear in court again later this month. The groom is in custody.

And that was Stick News for Thursday the 2nd of October.
Kia Ora.

conversations with sarah
#520 Marmalade is usually made from oranges

Step 1: Repeat Dave’s lines.
Step 2: Read Dave’s lines and talk to Sarah.

Dave What’s the difference between jam and marmalade?

Sarah Um, same thing, pretty much …

Dave So, marmalade is just orange jam?

Sarah Yeah. No … actually, you can have marmalade made from grapefruit or other citrus fruits. But marmalade is usually made from oranges.

Dave How about “papalade”?

Weeds - Masturbation Lesson


Alright, listen closely. I'm not going to beat around the bush. Ha ha ha, ha ha ha. Your little body's changing - it's all good, believe me. Problem now is ... every time we jerk the gherkin, we end up with a lot of unwanted sticky white stuff everywhere, right? Right. So ... first order of business - no more socks. They're expensive, gumming up the works plumbing-wise. Now you might be thinking to yourself, "But, Uncle Andy, what do I do with all that pearl jam if I can't spew it into Mr Sock?" Glad you asked - you can have a lovely time tugging the tiger in the shower each morning - that eliminates the need for a goo glove. But, the day is long, masturbation's fun, so unless we want to take four or five showers every day, we're going to need some other options here.

So let's start with the basics. Tissues - perfectly acceptable backstop for all that creamy italian. They can be rough and dry on such soft, sensitive skin, not to mention it can stick to your dick head like a fucking band-aid - ouch. From there we move on to more lubricated flack catchers - specifically, bananas. Step one: Peel the banana. Step two: Slip the peel over your randy johnson and start pitching. Now for extra credit, warm up the peel in the microwave. Not too hot! Serious yowza. Also, olive oil, moisturizer, honey, spit, butter, hair conditioner, and vaseline can all be used for lube. In my opinion, the best lube ... is lube. So save your allowance, invest in some soon.

Alright, moving on - when you tug your Thomas on the toilet - ffft - shoot right into the bowl. In bed - soft t-shirt, perhaps a downy hand towel of your very own that you don't mind tossing after tossing. There's no such thing as polishing the raised sceptre of love too much. It reduces stress, it enhances immune function. Also, practice makes perfect. So work on your control now, while you're a solo artist, you'll be playing some long, happy duets in the future. Alright, class dismissed. Hey, homework.


today's news
today's STICK NEWS pictures

Acadia University, Nova Scotia, Canada
Study English at Acadia University
Residence Halls at Acadia University

beat at Urban Dictionary
bush at Urban Dictionary

lists of masturbation terms:


show start
artist: Boom Tschak
album: Indietronic CCBit.
track: More Chocolate, Please
from: Former Yugoslavia

The Acadia Report start
artist: DJ iPep's
album: Home Mix 2007
track: Concerto
from: EVREUX, France
album at Jamendo
artist at Jamendo
artist site

tar bgm
artist: Ensono
album: Night Culture
track: Waking Dream
from: Vigo, Spain
album at Jamendo
artist at Jamendo

WOD start
artist: DJ iPep's
album: Home Mix 2007
track: Game Toy
from: EVREUX, France
album at Jamendo
artist at Jamendo
artist site

cws start
artist: Wolfgang S.
album: Indietronic CCBit.
track: Dynamite
from: Belgrade, Serbia, Former Yugoslavia
artist site

qa start
artist: ioeo
album: triptracks
track: triptrack2
from: Saint Raphael, France
album at Jamendo
artist at Jamendo
artist site

qa bgm
artist: Ensono
album: Night Culture
track: Wild Mind
from: Vigo, Spain
album at Jamendo
artist at Jamendo

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